Die

It’s been a long time since my last post!
Acctually, I did not intend to post now, it’s just that I was searching something in google then a site containing what I am supposed to research belonged to wordpress. Then I saw that I was loged in! So from there, I clicked “Post New”

Oh anyway.
I feel like posting so, great timing.

I fought with my mom this morning. It’s because she misunderstanded me. She told me that we have already talked about what will happen today, the schedule I mean, but the truth is she told nothing. So she was nagging me again and I was contradicting her but of course, she won’t believe me and I didn’t believed her either. Resulting was a conflict. That’s why I haven’t spoked to her.

I did not go to mass today.
I’m having this feeling again that I wish to be dead. I wish that I will disappear and just stay with God and work for Him. A while ago I was hoping again that I will engage in an accident and die. Fall off from a high place or get hit by a car. I also imagined myself slash. It’s pathetic though because those things won’t happen today.

I also feel neglected again by the persona we call God. And a quote keeps on running in my mind.

“God’s not here today, priest.” – Exorcist: The Beggining

I’m losing it again.

I’m not thinking properly. I am being so negative. Well that’s the truth so why should I think positive and just go to my mom talk to her and tell her I’m wrong. That’s just lame. What? I’ll go and expect for the best things? Expect the sweetest things? Shut that. Life never gives me so sweet things. Never. And I guess if ever it will give me, not this time.

Aside from that, I feel stressed out and I don’t want to study. If ever no accident will happen, then I’ll do nothing but fun. Yes I’ll kill my responsibility and do sorts. HAHA. As if I will be able to forget my duties. Well let’s just say, I’m doing it but not giving my hundred percent. I read, I do my homeworks but not acctually concentrating on them fully. Well that’s my attitude when I’m stressed and depressed. Then I think of dying.

But I think I’m not suicidal.
Because I know that won’t happen. Because I’m afraid. I just want dying instantly. But if I’m lucky and survive 70-80 years from now, then I want to die inhaling and exhaling my soul out.

I wonder when will I die.
Or when will I have my wrinkles as an old lady and be rejected by the public.

Whatever.

Advertisement