Living only Now

I have this feeling as if it's just now that I am awake. It's like, for fifteen years I have just been dreaming and this is the day in which I woke up and LIVE the REAL life.

It's like my past is something that just prepared me for who I am today, specially the past year. I feel as if that fourteen years of being alive, living each day and strugging to live is my years of being a confused, innocent, immature, inopinionated and lost. It's like I did nothing but listen and watch. I admit, I feel as if I am nothing. I live for the sake of living. I go to school because I see everybody goes to school. I talk because I think I am required to talk. I fake my reasons for the fear of being out of place and faking what I like and what I dislike so people would like me. Like me for who I am? No way! Perhaps some people liked me those times because of my lies, during my years of confusion.

But now, I really feel that I am living.

Because it is May, and we all know it's summer, but I am already concerned for school.
Unlike my grade school days, I become excited just because I will be able to own a new school bag, a new pair of shoes, pencils, a box of crayons and notebooks.

But now, I am nervous about school. As if at the moment our first day comes, I will fail third year right away. I  am nervous that if I don't finish reading "Noli Me Tangere", memorizing Table of Elements, browsing Geometry and Chemistry books,  I won't be able to catch up.

I feel as if there is a big responsibility ahead of me that if I don't stop dreaming, I will go to hell.

Awhile ago, my mom said to me "You shall not watch television during weekdays when you have school. Remember, you are in third year already." I have two answers ready  in my mind. The first one is: Why? Is there a problem with that? You can't do anything if I want to watch! Second: You're right.

I want to shout out my first answer, but I really think my second answer is more true. I believe I MUST.
Then all of my programs flashed in my mind. Then I told myself I can give all those up. I really did. Maybe the moment I have to let go of television, I really can.

I remember once again, those years when my mom states that line of hers, I say yes right away but nothing happens. I still watch the television. I also blog sometimes, telling myself that I will never watch televison and then I'll state my priorites. I just make a list without any reason. Perhaps I have learn a lesson now. I am doing my descisions by thinking. Real thinking. Not just thinking for the sake of thinking. Now I set reasons for my descisions, a reason why or why not and I try my best to keep my thoughts going.

I don't want to go back to the days in my life wherein I don't keep the things that I say.
Now I want things to change.

I want to know the real me. I want to improve myself. I want to know where I am strong and weak. I want to stand for my own descisions and I want to keep what I say.

Very slowly I guess…

… but I will never stop it from improving.

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