Satisfied?

Dreams don’t come true by making a wish. Dreams are granted, when you do something about it.

Though there are a lot of things that affect one’s motivation to reach their dreams. No one wants a hard way going to something. But once you realize that there’s no other way but the hard way, you take a second look – do I really want this?

BUT screw wanting things.

It is hard identifying if I really want something. Being an indecisive person, I’m not someone who takes things all seriously. However, having the feeling of emptiness, having no goal and no point, what else could be boring, dull and pointless?

I think I am now in the stage of, “I want something”

That ‘something’ is not specific. That, is a random goal.

I want the feeling of achieving something. Getting something because I worked for it. Garnering points because I got something right. I want that feeling.

And later on, after I graduate or so, I’ll be able to be competent – my dreams will follow after.

I’m a rookie in life’s game.
Too bad “Create a New Character” isn’t an option just to improve what you already have.

The thing for me now is – do what I can.
Do what I think will be for the better.

I’m a lazy person with no point.
But as I meet people, I begin to realize that “hey, being knowledgable isn’t bad” and learning this course must be cooler than I ever imagined.

It took me 4 years before I realize that.

Nope, I’m not thinking it’s too late – I have a lifetime!

There’s a probability that I’ll get the satisfaction that I want only, if I chose to.

Recently on one of my duties, an NOD told us, that even though we graduate, get our license, be employed – we must stay humble. We shall still let other people  teach us, we should treat everyone equally.

Then comes our elective professor who said that we must be polite wherever we go, we must offer ourselves and be humble that as students, we must be eager to learn at the same time help.

Suprisingly, both statements didn’t left my mind. It was a lifetime reminder if you want to achieve something.

Cool huh.

I don’t know with other people but I’ll take it as an advice.

Well then.
Looks like it has been another long post for my wordpress blog that’s nearly rotting due to its unproductive writer.

‘Till the next thought or inspirational blah blah’s ;D

Purpose

There’s a purpose for every thing that a person makes.

There’s a reason why its done.

There is a reason why this time, you lose or win.

The thing I wonder about, are the things that happened in between.

What made you decide on your purpose?

Why are you having second thoughts?

What motivated you to continue?

Why do you wanted to give up in the middle?

But up ’till now, what kept the drive burning?

There is a story, each person makes – and that’s what keeps us alive. Each difficulty, each struggle – that’s not pain for nothing. Rather, it’s something that let us learn.

We all make mistakes – no one’s free from it. Even if you’ve won 1,000 times, let others teach you more than what you already know.

Be grateful, be polite and keep your feet on the ground.

If your purpose have not been found, search for it.

Listen to your heart. The voice might be soft, but that’s the start.

You know what you want.

 

Essays

I miss writing. HAHA. Writing sensible posts.
I don’t have idea’s anymore. I guess it’s because of school ? Everytime I blog at words-2-say,  I just tell stories on what happened to me during the day. Nothing else. I want to go and write opinions one again. Maybe when the urge returns, I will be able to satisfy myself again.

Right now, I  would like to write things on WHO I want to be:

1. Professional Nurse
2. Known Writer (why will I write if I don’t want to spread the word ? HAHA)
3. Photographer (even just in DA… sell photos and the like)

Shout

How much does the attitude of a teacher influences its students ?
Does it matter if the teacher is strict ?
If he is strict, does it bring any good ?

I have joined our school’s Ensemble. However, we are having problems with our mentor. He looses his anger immidiately, once you hit the wrong note. He will scream at you and say words that comes into his mind. When his frustration arises, the only thing that happens is that it grows and it remains all through out the practice time.

As members, not all of us can handle this kind of stress. Not all of us are used to screaming and words that are hurtful. It easily lowers a person’s self-esteem, specially when one’s self-esteem is already low.

We joined the ensemble for the passion of singing, not for the passion of being shouted at. However, it is true that we are not always in our comfort zone. But, too much isn’t healthy either.

Shouting results into two things.
1. Some view it as a challenge to meet his expectations, hitting the right note and being able to sing correctly. Setting aside the nervousness and concentrating on the notes.

2. Some view it as a threat, if you don’t hit it you’re dead. Nervousness arises and it over powers strenght. It deteriorates the voice and causes the person to sing the wrong note. Then the person will recieve shouting once again.

The second one is harder to comply. It does not take a snap to be able to realize how to ignore the shouts.

There are some solutions I can think of as of now.

1. Encouragement – We are ALL part of this. This isn’t a competition. Support is the first step in removing the stress felt by a member in distress.

2. Self-Improvement – Ask others during free time. Learn by oneself. Practice makes it better.

Flaws are countless.
It will be there once another had been resolved.

We just have to have the COURAGE to face these kinds.
Continually supporting each other.
It will somehow lead to the right way.

Goodluck.

Choice. Start to Walk.

One. Two. Sometimes it could also be three, or four. Countless perhaps? These are the number of choices we have in life. When we have eliminated these choices and lower it down to two, it would be the toughest.

A college course. I have thought of it but I always look back and doubt if ever I will be satisfied of my school, life and job. Frankly, I do not really like Nursing – but I think I can do it. I have some interest, but imagining the possible situations, I could go on and doubt myself if I can or cannot do it. My parents told me to think it over and choose another course.

If not nursing, I would probably be in Mass Communication or Psychology. 
Why didn’t I chose those instead? I have some interest in those, but I do not feel like taking them. I feel that if I go to a course that interest me, though it will really drive me while I am studying, I fear that I may lose interest. Looking at myself, I am not really a person who holds on to a drive or someone who is easily inspired. I am also lazy and I often get pissed when I do crappy works. I am still in the process of managing my patience skills in terms of writing stories or essays. Also, I do not want to just sit there and do research. Well yes there is some probability that I will do documentaries, but only the top students who are driven enough, encouraged enough will be able to surpass all people who took the same course as them .

Come on people, face it – one can be so hopeful enough and one can also dream – but the competition and the demand is not that high. And who says that I will stop from writing ? If I can not enter a course that will let me write, it would not stop me – I think I do not need that lessons anymore – what I need is to go out, travel, discover life, live it and then write about it.

I think I will not stress myself to push my imagination or research skills to the limit just to pass college. I think I will just go to something new, something that will let me see more than what those writing courses can offer.

I do not feel nursing. I don’t care about nursing. In fact I don’t even like the look of the school I will be going into. I do not expect a friendly person to approach me the first day. It may be the worst first day of school  in my life – and it can even extend to be worst 4 years of my life. However, it is a practical choice. I can earn money. Well maybe people will think nursing as a job to be dedicated and you know, a job that someone shall not think of getting money but something to help others. Okay – now insert a lot of hypocrites here. I need to live okay, and this is my strategy in this game. There may be mini games in it where all of my lessons would be set aside and the only thing left for me is to think about a choice, as a person.

I do not know what I am passionate in. But I do like a lot of things. But I guess it doesn’t make any difference to be passionate at one thing and like a lot of things. Why nag?

But this thinking will not stop me forever.
I am writing this down because — I never thought that TOMORROW is my freaking enrollment. That is why I am thinking about it.

I will be going in a nursing school.

I will find my purpose later on — or find the meaning later on.
Now I just need to take a step and start to walk.

It’s 9/11.

For more than a month I have not touched this blog.
Actually, everytime that I Log-In to my account, I ask for a new password. I keep on forgetting my password here because the passwords they generate is composed of letters and numbers. To tideous for me to memorize. I’ll figure out if I can renew that password and choose my own.

Okay.
The last time I visited here, I have only about 47 unique hits. I was surprised to see 116. It’s interesting to find out, some people actually pass by here. But who knows? Those people might just have pressed “Next Blog”.

Let’s see.
Well my last post was about my conflict with my mom. It was resolved eventually. But without me saying sorry. We just talked and everythings back to normal again. Perhaps I have said I’m sorry, about a week after everything was back to normal I suppose. Yet those family arguements never stops there. We still fight. Then and now. Mostly regarding misunderstandings. But it’s something no one can change in our family. It would be a miracle. And if that miracle happens, I’ll miss fighting with them. It has been part of my life. My “social life”. hehe.

Nothing is perfect around my life. Broken lines always come by. Only mend when we finally realized that broken lines mean nothing unless connected as one.

Mending these broken lines hurt. Because telling the truth hurts. Accepting one’s flaws hurts. The only thing that does not hurt is lying, but then nothing would be resolved.

I think I have many realizations thought about. Also things I want to discuss. It’s just sometimes laziness will push through.

.
.
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I think I got to end this post. I’m just in my father’s office you know. And it’s 10 minutes before closing time. Got to turn the computer off.

Till then!

http://words-2-say.blogspot.com

*p.s :: title has no connection to the post… I know ^_^

Pride…?

I’m having a hard time understanding my mom.
I can’t think what she is thinking. I don’t know if she really wants me to be the first one to say sorry to her or what. She is already talking to me but not about that think. I am still frustrated for the fact that she started it and she doesn’t want to end the conflict.I think I will just leave it like this. I am not talking to my mom if not needed. I just answer the questions that she asks. I think it’s better that way so that she will not bother me anymore. She won’t look at what I am doing. I will be alone and doing my own stuff. I think that is much, much better for me.

I’m growing to be mean towards my mom. I know this is the time that I should make her happy. But god, I am frustrated at her. I don’t know what to do. I have never been so frustrated like this to her. Is it because I have great pride? That I should not do anything before she makes a move? I don’t understand it anymore. All I know is that I am frustrated at her at the moment. Nothing else. And all I want to happen is for her to say sorry. Then that’s it.

But no, that thing is not happening still the same. She thinks that it’s my fault. I hate her. I hate it. I hate everything!

OMG……..
I have nothing more to say.

The Rage Still Burning

I haven’t talked to my mom yet.
I hate her.

I feel that she wants ME to make the first move and say sorry to her. I did nothing so why would I? I don’t want to say sorry for something I did not do. Even though the point is so shallow, I don’t care. I believe that from those small things, some big thing can be changed.

She’s so demanding! I hope she would realize that even though she’s older than me, and the fact that she’s my mother, I hope she gives some respect to me as well. You know that? When older people thinks that they are the only ones who needs respect and they treat us that we shall always follow them. It’s like a rule that younger people are the ones respecting and older people are ones being respected. That’s some of the mentality of oldies. Hate them!

They are more ignorant than some young ones.
They just don’t realize it or they just don’t admit it. Because what they see is that young ones are stupid and they are so smart. Hate them!

Everyone must be treated equally.
We shall respect each other as persons. Not because someone’s young than the other.

I guess with this one, then grumpy old folks would be nice little kids.

Die

It’s been a long time since my last post!
Acctually, I did not intend to post now, it’s just that I was searching something in google then a site containing what I am supposed to research belonged to wordpress. Then I saw that I was loged in! So from there, I clicked “Post New”

Oh anyway.
I feel like posting so, great timing.

I fought with my mom this morning. It’s because she misunderstanded me. She told me that we have already talked about what will happen today, the schedule I mean, but the truth is she told nothing. So she was nagging me again and I was contradicting her but of course, she won’t believe me and I didn’t believed her either. Resulting was a conflict. That’s why I haven’t spoked to her.

I did not go to mass today.
I’m having this feeling again that I wish to be dead. I wish that I will disappear and just stay with God and work for Him. A while ago I was hoping again that I will engage in an accident and die. Fall off from a high place or get hit by a car. I also imagined myself slash. It’s pathetic though because those things won’t happen today.

I also feel neglected again by the persona we call God. And a quote keeps on running in my mind.

“God’s not here today, priest.” – Exorcist: The Beggining

I’m losing it again.

I’m not thinking properly. I am being so negative. Well that’s the truth so why should I think positive and just go to my mom talk to her and tell her I’m wrong. That’s just lame. What? I’ll go and expect for the best things? Expect the sweetest things? Shut that. Life never gives me so sweet things. Never. And I guess if ever it will give me, not this time.

Aside from that, I feel stressed out and I don’t want to study. If ever no accident will happen, then I’ll do nothing but fun. Yes I’ll kill my responsibility and do sorts. HAHA. As if I will be able to forget my duties. Well let’s just say, I’m doing it but not giving my hundred percent. I read, I do my homeworks but not acctually concentrating on them fully. Well that’s my attitude when I’m stressed and depressed. Then I think of dying.

But I think I’m not suicidal.
Because I know that won’t happen. Because I’m afraid. I just want dying instantly. But if I’m lucky and survive 70-80 years from now, then I want to die inhaling and exhaling my soul out.

I wonder when will I die.
Or when will I have my wrinkles as an old lady and be rejected by the public.

Whatever.

Living only Now

I have this feeling as if it's just now that I am awake. It's like, for fifteen years I have just been dreaming and this is the day in which I woke up and LIVE the REAL life.

It's like my past is something that just prepared me for who I am today, specially the past year. I feel as if that fourteen years of being alive, living each day and strugging to live is my years of being a confused, innocent, immature, inopinionated and lost. It's like I did nothing but listen and watch. I admit, I feel as if I am nothing. I live for the sake of living. I go to school because I see everybody goes to school. I talk because I think I am required to talk. I fake my reasons for the fear of being out of place and faking what I like and what I dislike so people would like me. Like me for who I am? No way! Perhaps some people liked me those times because of my lies, during my years of confusion.

But now, I really feel that I am living.

Because it is May, and we all know it's summer, but I am already concerned for school.
Unlike my grade school days, I become excited just because I will be able to own a new school bag, a new pair of shoes, pencils, a box of crayons and notebooks.

But now, I am nervous about school. As if at the moment our first day comes, I will fail third year right away. I  am nervous that if I don't finish reading "Noli Me Tangere", memorizing Table of Elements, browsing Geometry and Chemistry books,  I won't be able to catch up.

I feel as if there is a big responsibility ahead of me that if I don't stop dreaming, I will go to hell.

Awhile ago, my mom said to me "You shall not watch television during weekdays when you have school. Remember, you are in third year already." I have two answers ready  in my mind. The first one is: Why? Is there a problem with that? You can't do anything if I want to watch! Second: You're right.

I want to shout out my first answer, but I really think my second answer is more true. I believe I MUST.
Then all of my programs flashed in my mind. Then I told myself I can give all those up. I really did. Maybe the moment I have to let go of television, I really can.

I remember once again, those years when my mom states that line of hers, I say yes right away but nothing happens. I still watch the television. I also blog sometimes, telling myself that I will never watch televison and then I'll state my priorites. I just make a list without any reason. Perhaps I have learn a lesson now. I am doing my descisions by thinking. Real thinking. Not just thinking for the sake of thinking. Now I set reasons for my descisions, a reason why or why not and I try my best to keep my thoughts going.

I don't want to go back to the days in my life wherein I don't keep the things that I say.
Now I want things to change.

I want to know the real me. I want to improve myself. I want to know where I am strong and weak. I want to stand for my own descisions and I want to keep what I say.

Very slowly I guess…

… but I will never stop it from improving.